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Author Topic: Getting Dates
Sari

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Post Getting Dates
on: February 27, 2013, 7:29 PM

Iv'e been in shidduchim for quite a while but the amounts of dates of gone out on is laughable. I'm wondering what people have done that have really helped them get dates. My friend gave me a list of shadchanim should I be going down the list calling random people I don't know? Should I be pressuring my brother in law to get me dates? - I hate being pushy. Are my parents not being proactive enough? What do you think is a normal amount of hishtadlus?

atararox

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 27, 2013, 8:14 PM

sari this is the age old question! i wish there was a difinitive answer!
we once discussed this in sem and a teacher said that a person only needs to do the amount of hitadlus that they are lacking in bitachon.
meaning if 75 percent of your mindset is bitachon then you need to do 25 percent hishtadlus.
so in other words hishtadlus is a different amount for each person.
Hashem will help in whatever way YOU choose to be helped.
sometimes is seems that if you call shadchanim and make people crazy it will result in more dates but ultimately it is all from the one above. dont drive anyone crazy and most of all dont drive yourself crazy - baruch hagever asher yiftach b'Hashem! figure out where your holding in your emunah and then you will know how much hishtadlus u need to do!
dont know if this will make you feel better but i think most girls get a pathetic amount of dates so you are really not alone - with harassing shadchanim and without....
hope this puts things in perspective a little bit at least... ;)

Sari

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 27, 2013, 9:18 PM

It does thank you

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 1:35 AM

Just remember, more dates doesn't mean getting married quicker. It only takes one! Friends have told me how they were jealous that other people seem to date way more than them, but you know what, they married their first or second guy while the people they were jealous of are still dating... Plus, less dates means less emotional investment and aggravation. Yes, it might seem like you are actually doing something contributing toward getting married when you are dating a guy, but if he's not for you, you mind as well not be dating at all. Your hishtadlus could be davening, doing chessed, working on perfecting yourself, etc., rather than dating a bunch of guys.

inshidduch-
im613

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 2:06 AM

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on February 28, 2013, 1:35 AM
Just remember, more dates doesn't mean getting married quicker. It only takes one! Friends have told me how they were jealous that other people seem to date way more than them, but you know what, they married their first or second guy while the people they were jealous of are still dating... Plus, less dates means less emotional investment and aggravation. Yes, it might seem like you are actually doing something contributing toward getting married when you are dating a guy, but if he's not for you, you mind as well not be dating at all.Your hishtadlus could be davening, doing chessed, working on perfecting yourself, etc ., rather than dating a bunch of guys.

"LIKE" :)

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 5:17 PM

Quote from thinkingBYgirl on February 28, 2013, 1:35 AM
Just remember, more dates doesn't mean getting married quicker. It only takes one! Friends have told me how they were jealous that other people seem to date way more than them, but you know what, they married their first or second guy while the people they were jealous of are still dating... Plus, less dates means less emotional investment and aggravation. Yes, it might seem like you are actually doing something contributing toward getting married when you are dating a guy, but if he's not for you, you mind as well not be dating at all. Your hishtadlus could be davening, doing chessed, working on perfecting yourself, etc., rather than dating a bunch of guys.

i hear what your saying but truthfully the pain of not getting any dates is harder to deal with than the emotional investment/aggravation of going out....its not so much about feeling like your not doing hushtadlus or getting places. The constant rejection is a killer. the idea that in an entire year there were only 3 guys who thought you were worthy of a date is so so so so painful. and then you start to wonder...ok whats wrong with me...i never thought i was so ugly or i never thought that being short is so bad....so yes you are right there are many other forms of hishtadlus but getting dates is about feeling like you are actually wanted and you are a normal girl.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 5:36 PM

I understand what you're saying, and yes, that's a totally normal reaction; however, you cannot base your self-esteem on what other people think of you (especially because not getting dates really doesn't have to do what other people think of you; there are a lot of reasons why someone who comes across your resume won't want want to go out with you, primarily because they just aren't your bashert and G-d runs the world). I'm not saying it's easy to separate this "why doesn't anyone want to date me" feeling from the logic of knowing this, yet in life there are many times that if you base your self-esteem on expectations (what we think should happen, ie. that you should go on a lot of dates), our perception of what others think of us ("...ok whats wrong with me...i never thought i was so ugly or i never thought that being short is so bad"), and comparison of ourselves to others ("...but getting dates is about feeling like you are actually wanted and you are a normal girl."), you are setting yourself up for failure. This is a prime example. You are special and have infinite worth. How many people do or do not want to date you doesn't take away from that. This nisayon isn't easy, and I'm right there with you, but we really need to remember that it really is nothing personal. Hashem runs the world, and just because someone does or does not want to date you it doesn't change how amazing you are. (And wouldn't you rather date 3 guys before you meet your husband than 30?)

gold

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 5:48 PM

Thanks ahuva for bringing up a very valid point. I always say that with shidduchim, the boys self esteem sky rockets, because for the first time in their life, theyre on everybodys 'wanted' list and everyone is running after them and their phones are ringing non-stop. The opposite is at the girls' end: suddenly when they start shidduchim, their self esteem can go through some rocky stages and definitely take a plunge, with all the rejection and silence at their end. Yes, of course, atara and thinking BY brought up very valid and true points, but we still have to validate the feelings that accompany a girl who is in shidduchim but hardly goes on dates. Hopefully the right one will come along very very soon!!!!

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 6:07 PM

thinkingbygirl -you are tot right! how many dates you get should not define ones self worth! and it does not portray how great of a girl you are BUT at this stage in life it is alomst impossible not to let it get to you in that way.and in essence girls who are pretty and rich DO get more dates. so its not like theres no rhyme or reason.
Yes, it is a nisayon and a hard one but its a very validated feeling to want to get yeses and go out on a nice amount of dates.
i'd take dates over emotional investment any day! and it is personal. its all from hashem and its hard but it is personal when one boy after the next says no.
and maybe im crazy but i think id rather date 30 and not have to constantly be wondering if the phone will ever ring or if a my type of guy will ever consider me. and maybe im looking for the worng thing and maybe im doing this and maybe thats a sign from Hashem.
im sick of always second guessing myself.

thinkingBY-
girl

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 6:17 PM

So basically you want a date so you can feel validated? Theoretically if you had a choice you would choose to date at least one guy a month indefinitely over not having a date until you meet your husband, let's say in 6 months?

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 6:25 PM

well not exactly validated.
i just want to know in confidence that i am a good girl and i am worthy of the kind of boy that i want.
its hard to feel that way when your friends are getting tonz of calls and hardly anyone says yes.
and i know theres a "shidduch crisis" and there are tonz of amazing girls who dont get dates but its hard for each individual. and again at this stage in life, getting dates it a very impt part of feeling validated.

LuvAhuva

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 6:28 PM

and yes dating one guy a month for 6 months would def be easier to deal with than not having any dates for the next 6 months.

atararox

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 6:36 PM

ahuva i comletely understand how you feel. and i agree with you.
it is certainly easier to get dates at regular intervals than to get 3 dates a year.
as long as they are on target (even of they dont work out) each date gives you renewed hope.
when things are quiet for months at a time you start to lose that drive and interest in the whole thing. been there done that. and its verrrry hard to not get any dates and deal with deadness all the time.
you start to feel like Hashem fell asleep or forgot about you chv"s. its soooo hard!

Smile91

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 10:10 PM

I was recently by a classmate;'s simcha, and everyone was discussing their dates. And it sounded like they've gone out with so many ppl, and I was feeling depressed that I've only gone out with a couple of guys. Part of me wonders though, if they've really gone out so much, or they were just making it sound like that. Like I can't imagine that all these girls are getting tons of dates. But it's true, that in a way it's better to date less guys before find the right one. Like what's the benefit of putting yourself all out for a date and then having it fall through time and time again. But each way, it's a nisayon, but with the Eibeshter's help, we should all find the right one bekarov.

atararox

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: February 28, 2013, 10:17 PM

there is no benefit to dating tonz of guys - thats true. but some people would find it easier to date with no tachlus than to not date at all or very seldomly. to each their own. neither is a picninc.
amen to your bracha! :)

bitachon

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 1, 2013, 12:13 AM

Quote from Smile91 on February 28, 2013, 10:10 PM
I was recently by a classmate;'s simcha, and everyone was discussing their dates. And it sounded like they've gone out with so many ppl, and I was feeling depressed that I've only gone out with a couple of guys. Part of me wonders though, if they've really gone out so much, or they were just making it sound like that. Like I can't imagine that all these girls are getting tons of dates. But it's true, that in a way it's better to date less guys before find the right one. Like what's the benefit of putting yourself all out for a date and then having it fall through time and time again. But each way, it's a nisayon, but with the Eibeshter's help, we should all find the right one bekarov.

here's the trick...most people tell many different stories but they are talking about the same few boys...its just diff anecdotes without saying "oh and this is another story about the same boy..." !!!
so smile :D :P majority are most likely not going out with so many ....

gold

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 3, 2013, 5:07 PM

In regards to Smiles post- in general i dont think its nice to discuss dating stories and the like with other single girls bec. you never know if the girl u r talking to really gets dates and it could be a real dagger to her heart hearing about all her friends dates when she hardly gets any. Unless you know that ur friend does indeed go out often, you should refrain from discussing because it's insensitve. And in the zechus of being sensitive to your friends pain and situation, Hashem will be sensitive to your situation.

cool nerd

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 3, 2013, 7:48 PM

I agree with bitachon. I've told many different stories about the same guy. I never realized that my stories might make people think that I go out with a different guy every night.

smile19

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 18, 2013, 10:16 AM

I no someone that didn't get. A date for 4 years and the first guy she went out with waz her bashert:):):) you never no but yh yours shud come quick!!!

dance4ever

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 18, 2013, 5:14 PM

some people who have only gone out with one guy have tonz of stories- if someones a good story teller, its possible to dramatize everything!! dw- even the pretty & rich ones dont always get so many dates... good luck and wishing you all the best! just try to focus on life instead of constantly on dating (which is a pretty worthless piece of advice i must admit bec. its nearly impossible!! but try :) )

dancer90

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Post Re: Getting Dates
on: March 18, 2013, 5:59 PM

:) yeh and also some girls go out often but if u wold see who they are going out with you would not be jelous.
not trying to sound mean. just practical. lol

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